Clade 3: The Pink Ladies vs. The Bookworms

With all the social drama going down in the troop, I couldn’t help but think of high school. Yes, that wonderful time when no one feels good about themselves but everyone acts like they know the story, like they have been living in a grown up body for years, when really everyone is living in total fear of being found out as a mere teenager. Love, hate, violence, sex. High school has it all.

Well, here at Baboon High, the grapevine is boiling about the new boy. He is getting the attention of all the girls, and the once popular guys are not happy about this. He’s a little bigger, and mysterious…

Everyone knows, however, that the real social posturing happens between the gals. Baboons are no exception. In fact, female baboons put humans to shame.

First, you have a dominant female baboon (we’ll call her Debbie). She gained the favor of all the boys, and is protected from fights, no matter what. Now, you would think that another adult lady baboon would be next in line, maybe Debbie’s bff (best friend forever, duh). Not so. Before any other lady baboons can take a place in the social hierarchy, all of Debbie’s daughters get a spot, and inversely according to age.

So it breaks down like this:

Debbie is at the helm, followed by her youngest daughter. Then comes the middle daughter, followed by the oldest daughter. Then comes Debbie’s bff, Lucy, and her daughters, and so on. This is very defined. A little squirt of a juvenile female can walk up and snatch the food right out of the hand of a socially inferior adult female with no consequences. Rude.

Now, where this social structure really comes into play is when the non-dominant adult female (Lucy) that had her lunch money stolen by Debbie’s little daughter gets pissed, and smacks Lil’ Debbie (yum) around for the mugging.

First:

Baboons have a very limited number of vocalizations. They don’t make a bunch of different sounds, they just make a few. They are so aware of all of the social relationships in the troop, however, that all they really have to say is “look, something’s going down over there” and all the other baboons will glance over, and instantly know who is doing what to whom, and if that is cool, or if it upsets the normal balance.

Back to the lunch money revenge story:

So Lucy got her milk money swiped by Lil’ Debbie, and instead of taking it on the chin like she’s supposed to, she gave Lil’ Debbie the what for. Lil’ Debbie has a few moves. 1) She could fight back. Yeah right. Lucy is a grown ass lady baboon and would kick Lucy’s ass. 2) She could let it slide. Yeah right. Lucy is lower on the social totem pole, and should have handed over the goods quietly like a good subordinate. She needs to be punished. 3) She could scream her ass of like she just had her leg bitten off by a lion. We have a winner. We call this “The Drama”, as in,

”Did you hear that cat being strangled?”

“Oh don’t worry, it was just Lil’ Debbie pulling out The Drama.”

So Lil’ Debbie starts to scream bloody murder. Immediately and subconsciously, every baboon knows that Lil’ Debbie should not be messed with by Lucy, and that there is something seriously strange going on. Everyone stops what they are doing and gathers around. Lil’ Debbie’s mom and sisters get into the mix, and they all chase Lucy, hold her down and bite the hell out of her, amongst the frenzied screams of the onlookers. Just like high school, right?

Now let’s reverse the field and see what happens. Same scenario: Lucy gets her snack cakes jacked by Lil’ Debbie, but instead of going upside her head, Lucy takes option 3 and screams. A quick glance by the troop will confirm that they don’t care. Lucy is allowed, neigh, supposed to get bullied. Nothing out of the ordinary here. Might as well keep feeding while Lucy keeps screaming. Even her own daughters don’t care that mom was just seriously wronged by a pipsqueak of a lady baboon. Such is life.

This happens with the males, too. If a dominant male gets mean with a sub-dominant and whips him, it’s business as usual. Like a band geek (sorry band geeks, but you have a stereotype to overcome) getting bullied by a jock (sorry jocks, but you have a stereotype to overcome). No one really notices. People might gather in the hall to watch for a minute, but they soon go back to necking behind the lockers. If the band geek were to take an alto sax to the jocks dome, however, the crowd would certainly take notice, and the band geek would be a hero. Right up until the other jocks showed up and shoved his alto sax up his…well, you get it. Such are the woes of a social animal. High school. Baboons. Science.